Becoming

I’ve heard someone say that, “goals should be big and scary, or it’s just a to do list.”  Goals should stretch you, or uplevel you. Goals are not just about doing, they are about becoming.  

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become. (Oaks, 2000)

Through a process of conversion, President Oaks notes that we are not just convinced of the truthfulness of the gospel, but we experience a “profound change of nature.”

“The gospel challenges us to be “converted,” which requires us to do and to become.” (Oaks, 2000)

So how do we take this opportunity of a new year, a new beginning, to recommit ourselves to becoming something better?  What will give us the best chance of success, instead of just another failed New Year’s Resolution?

One of the things I do as a coach, is to show people that the kind of relationship they have with themselves is important.  Indeed, Elder Uchtdorf talks of this as one of the four key relationships we have in this life and encourages us to build a good relationship with ourselves (Uchtdorf, 2010).

However, when we break commitments to ourselves, we are damaging that relationship.  If I tell my husband that I’m going to do something, and then I don’t do it, that’s going to hurt our relationship.  Will he be able to rely on me in the future? Can he trust in me?

Same thing goes for the relationship I have with myself.  When I don’t exercise, or if I eat junk food, or I lose my patience, or I don’t keep up with routines, I feel regret, or guilt.  I had a client once tell me that she is the queen of excuses, her statement is evidence that her relationship with herself is damaged.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, when I do keep the commitments I make, and I have my own back, I operate out of love for myself and with greater confidence, thus building the relationship I have with myself.  

Be wary of those quick commitments we make, or of drastic overcommitments.  We want to be a little bit better, and avoid all or nothing mentality.  The Savior teaches us “line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little;” (2 Nephi 28:30).  Remember, this is about becoming and not just doing.  

One of my favorite coaching models falls in line with the principle of becoming.  This model teaches that circumstances are neutral, but that the thoughts we have lead to our feelings, or emotions.  Those feelings and emotions then inspire our actions, which lead us to our results.

You might recognize bits of a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in there, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

So let me repeat the model again, circumstances, which are neutral, lead to our thoughts, which lead to our feelings, which lead to our actions, which gives us our results.

Notice how the action line is nowhere near the top?  We need to begin with our thoughts. 

Just one thought I am choosing to believe is “I am a healthy person.”  Notice the being verb “am” in there because this is about what I am becoming, instead of what I am doing.  I can ponder on what this thought means and begin to discover ways to be healthy.  

In the model, our thoughts lead to our feelings.  If I believe that I am a healthy person, I can feel grateful for my body and the good job that it is doing to keep me alive.  Good job, body. 

From these thoughts and feelings, I will be driven to take care of my body.  This motivation is much more powerful than sheer willpower to exercise or avoid certain foods.  I will choose actions (because feelings lead to actions) that will help me be a healthy person. 

So what commitments will I make to be a healthy person?  Maybe it doesn’t mean walking 10,000 steps. Maybe for now it means I will work with my pulmonologist to find the best treatments for my lungs.  Maybe it means finding ways to add more greens to my diet. These are commitments I know I can keep and won’t undermine my confidence in myself. 

Now, sometimes we will fall short.  Instead of judging ourselves, for this leads to feelings of guilt and disappointment, we need to love ourselves and be compassionate with ourselves.  Sometimes, it is part of the journey of figuring it all out. When talking about the key relationship with ourselves, Elder Uchtdorf said, “Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you — as his precious daughter or son with divine potential” (2010). 

Through many successful commitments that I keep, my actions, this will lead to the result of being a healthy person.